The wonderful world of DroneFM
Your cut-out-’n’-keep programme guide

DroneFM isn’t actually on the air yet because no one can be arsed to make the effort. Undeterred, here’s a taste of what you could expect if any of us could be bothered to get out of our armchairs

6am: Wokey! Wokey!

Guest presenter Caroline Lucas, of the Green Party, puts the snap, crackle and pop (Eh? — Ed) into breakfast radio with an inimitable potpourri of news and views from the climate change front line assisted by early rising mystery guests.

7am: Daybreaking News

All the latest from Walton-on-Thames and around the world. plus Weather (Sponsored by lookoutthewindow.com)

8am: TweetalongaTel

Our in-house Keyboard Warrior introduces listeners to the dog-eat-dog world of social media and attempts to solve the dilemma: which is better — online or self abuse? Accompanied by hits from the Connie Francis Songbook.

8.30am: Catheter, Come Home

The Drone’s panel of health experts focus on problems ‘down below’ with interactive case studies and helpful advice. Plus all the up-to-date Covid news and views and an exclusive Matt Hancock face mask offer. 

9am: Ask Aunt Marje 

Awards nominee Rosalie Rambleshanks (trainee) brings her popular Daily Drone advice column to the airwaves. This is your chance to ask the intimate questions (penile discharge, pelvic floor uncertainty, night time incontinence) which have been troubling you. (Please note that she is contractually prohibited from referring to Claire the cross-dressing ceramicist from Chelmsford or to playing Hunt the Beaver with the traveller  lads in the river at the Appleby Horse Fair — Ed).

11am: Upminster, Here We Come!

Mind the Gap as our intrepid transport correspondent brings us dark and disturbing tales from the London Underground. This week she’s going east on the District Line and promises it’s going to be way past Barking. Woof! Woof!

News at Noon 

Your midday round-up of all the latest, including Order! Order! What’s on in Parliament. Plus Sport and Weather (Sponsored by lookoutthewindow.com). South Shields tide times.

1pm: Ash-blond Adonis

The Drone’s resident Dorian Gray shares intimate male grooming tips (Sponsored by L’Oreal — because he’s worth it) interspersed with recordings of Songs from the Shows. (Alan, love, thanks for stepping in, especially now you’re a famous author. RW was very keen but he’s not really suitable. Adonis? I don’t think so — Ed)

2pm: Up Shit Creek

An exclusive Drone docudrama reliving the crusade by mummers Shit Grant and Shit Coogan to denigrate the popular Press in this country. These paragons, one arrested for lewd conduct with a prostitute and the other a self-confessed cocaine user, are played by members of the DroneDram Radio Repertory Company. Lord Justice Leveson appears by kind permission of the Queen’s Bench Division.

3pm: Uncle Tom’s Cabin

Slip into the snug with the avuncular former Labour Big Beast. Share virtual tea and choccie Ds as he tells how he fucked up the lives of distinguished and honourable men with spurious allegations of sexual impropriety. Marvel how the newly slimline twat got away with it. (Sponsored by McVities)

4pm: Shoutabout!

Welcome to our Drive Time tell-it-as-it-is, in-your-face, up-your-bum, take-the-piss phone-in hosted by our own Gingerman with the faux Scouse accent. Prepare to be excoriated and insulted AT A VERY HIGH DECIBEL LEVEL. Plus: Black Sabbath’s noisiest hits (director’s cuts).

6pm: NewsBrief

A full hour’s round-up of the latest from all corners of the globe. (Isn’t that an oxymoron? —Ed). Moonrise and set times in Matlock.

7pm: Furlough, My Lovely

Catch up with the latest Dishy Rishi giveaways plus all the latest City news and personal finance advice from a panel of experts. Live from the Back Bar of the Flying Fuck.

8pm: The C Word

Another hit starring the Drone’s drama troupe as they portray the dreaded Morning Conference in which iconic Fleet Street editors display their enhanced management skills berating, embarrassing and humiliating snivelling, hapless hacks in front of their peers. Warning: Very strong language, distressing scenes. 

9pm: Bingo bonanza

Eyes down and join your genial host for a full hour’s housey housey played by listeners from all over the country. It’s fun and it’s frantic! (Listen. I’m not against this filling the nine o’clock slot but if you think I’m going to be the genial fucking host you’ll get a No. 21. Capisce? — Ed)

10pm: Jolly Jockstraps!

DroneFM’s irreverent look at the world of sport. All the news, views and action along with the nostalgic themes from Match of the Day, Test Match Cricket, Pot Black and Showjumping from Hickstead

11pm: NightNews 

Plus Weather (Sponsored by lookoutthewindow.com). Sport and Ullapool tides.

12: Good Night, Campers

A laid back, sophisticated wind-down to the day for all you late night cruisers who have just returned home after a busy evening. Snuggle down with a mug of Ovaltine and, maybe, a fairy cake as we play a selection of Judy Garland’s greatest. Followed by The Queen.


© 2005-2020 Alastair McIntyre