SEWELL GRABBIT AND RUN

Sir — I was intrigued by the news that the weekly Standard magazine is planning to run a column by the late arts critic Brian Sewell using AI.

May I inquire what the payment rate is for such prose? Will it be paid to his estate? And can his relatives submit expenses?

What next, a new Shakespeare play?

Yours sincerely

WILL N TESTAMENT

Bury

COMRADES IN ARMS

Sir — Those of us old enough to be around during Harold Wilson's governments from 1964 to 1970 remember that he was a prisoner to the trade unions. Fast forward to 2024 and history is already beginning to repeat itself. The RMT's Mick Lynch demands a sweeping expansion of union powers, including unions organising the UK economy and making it easier to shut down industries if their demands are not met. 'Sir' Keir Stalin's hapless government is taking its first steps down the same perilous path of 60 years ago. Stalin, Rayner and Reeves may currently be over the moon that they are running the country arm in arm with their comrades, but would be wise to remember the old adage: 'Be careful what you wish for'.

 Humbly yours,

A.N. OLDY

Lancs

HERALD MEMORIES
The reminder yesterday that 60 years ago this week the Daily Herald closed to make way for the broadsheet SUN, brought back many memories for us hacks who enjoyed the years at Endell Street, with refreshment taken in the Cross Keys and other Covent Garden market pubs which opened throughout the night. None more so than the lavish celebration dinner for all staff at the Cafe Royal (the latter part of which was extended when columnist Clement Freud stormed into the kitchen and ordered more port and brandy).

Prior to the dinner, chairman Hugh Cudlipp gave this marvellous explanatory interview to the waiting media:

“The Daily Herald was formed by the labour unions, to serve the labour unions, and has done a marvellous job for the last 40 years. But recent surveys have shown that the current readership is the wrong age, the wrong sex and they all live in the North East.

“And nowhere can we find people willing to advertise Tampax for old men in Newcastle.”

Happy Days!

JOHN JACKSON

PS. Sydney Jacobson and I both transferred to the Daily Mirror once the SUN folded. I do not recall him ever writing any memoirs. And sadly his son, the great journalist Phil, is no longer with us.

HOT TOGS

Sir — As my son goes to uni, I vaguely recall the Drone’s acclaimed columnist Marge Rambleshanks some years ago giving valuable advice on tog ratings for students’ duvets. Could you repeat it, please?

CONCERNED PARENT

The main problem is that youngsters start off in ‘halls’, where accommodation is usually cramped, over-crowded, fetid and warm. Then they move to student digs where landlords don’t give a fuck if it gets a bit nippy in winter.

Basically, the higher the tog the warmer the duvet. Or, to put it simply, as a tog is 0.1 m2K/W the thermal resistance in togs is equal to 10 times the temperature difference Celsius between the two surfaces of a material when the flow of heat is equal to one watt per square metre.

So reject the one-tog-fits-all theory and go for — first year: (warm halls) 2.5 to 7 tog; second and third years (draughty digs): 10.5 - 13. And if they stay on for a Masters, tell ‘em to work it out for themselves. I hope this helps — Ed.

PRESCRIPTION FOR DISASTER

Sir — As part of his promise to reform the NHS 'Sir' Keir Stalin has vowed to 'take on' and defeat health unions that try to block his 're-imagining' of our 76-year-old national treasure. Very commendable and bullish talk. But does anyone seriously believe this tough warning from the same PM who was happy to roll over and give inflation-busting pay rises to public sector unions, including junior doctors?

Everyone knows the NHS is overburdened, overworked and definitely understaffed, but it doesn't take a genius to grasp the fact that axing the universal winter fuel payment will mean even more pensioners will either die or be hospitalised this winter than ever — thereby putting an even greater strain on the ambulance service, ward staff and available hospital beds. The complete opposite, in fact, of the desired reforms. Yet another rushed, back-of-fag-packet policy that has not been thought through. Hardly an auspicious start to the promised 're-imagining' of the service.

Dr FOSTER (Rtd)

Gloucester

DAILY SPORT’S TALENTED WRITERS IN THE NORTH

Dear Lord Drone — Reading in the Drone about the many fine reporters who have graced the Express over the years reminds me of another set of superb writers who trod the editorial floor of the Manchester Lubyanka.

It was the 90s when the Daily Sport moved in and I well remember ticking up the excellent copy provided by our talented team.

We had ANN COATES and GEORGE LEIGH-STREET (a little local knowledge is needed for that one). EDDY CASTLE was there too.

And who can forget the lovely EMMA ROYD. She could be a bit of an irritation, but you always knew when she was around!

Just thought they deserved a mention.

PHIL JOHNSON

DISGUSTED OF NEASDEN

My Dear Lord Drone — So, we are no longer to use the word Englishman; because it is upsetting to women and makes them feel unworthy, according a UN agency.

Women do not entirely escape their wrath, however. The words caveman and cavewoman are both frowned upon with the UN Guide suggesting cave dweller or prehistoric people. How our world is changing.

Now we hear that lawyers are queuing at the law courts to demand illegal boat people be given new council houses to save them from the indignity of sharing hotel rooms.

Meanwhile in Starmer’s new Department of Public Persecutions; pensioners’ bus passes must be burned and free TV licences scrapped for the over 75s, so that the BBC’s Gary Lineker can buy more shares in Walker’s Crisps.

Pensioners are already on their way to early frozen graves this winter as their fuel allowance is scrapped to fund the cocktail cabinets of doctors; and train drivers can now order glass conservatories for their suburban gardens in the Spring.

Labour MPs meanwhile, can cosily doze in their armchairs at home instead of shivering in their seats in the Commons where they should have been voting against this misery for the struggling lowest fruit on the branches of the State’s fair democracy tree.

This week, jailed criminals in their hundreds are being freed on to the streets where granny had her handbag nicked twice, while Fuhrer Starmer wears his Saville Row silk blinkers and ignores the truth of why there were riots … his inaction over mass immigration that costs our economy dearly.

It's all the Far Right's fault of course. The Far Right being anyone who worries about our doors being thrown open to the world. How will the old and infirm of our country pay for it?

Wasn’t it Labour Party founder Keir Hardy who said: “Frozen and hemmed in by a cold, callous greed, the warming influence of Socialism is beginning to liberate the hard-working poor people of our country.”

Excuse me while I laugh (or cry).

GLADYS GLADSTONE

Gaitskell Gardens, Dollis Hill, Neasden.

You shouldn’t believe all you read in the papers, Gladys — Ed

BACK TO THE FUTURE

Sir — Congratulations to Tel Boy, [see below] whose excellent letter Starmergeddon in Dollis Hill sums up exactly how the power-mad PM and his motley crew of idealogues are selling the 'hard working people' they constantly bang on about down the river. Free speech and thought, it would seem, are reserved for the Labour-approved minority. Those of us old enough to remember see Starmer's nanny-state policies as a return to the 1970s when we had strikes galore, high taxes and zero growth. Thus, history will inevitably repeat itself.

It may be ministerial high-fives all round at the moment for settling rail and doctors' strikes, but is the Government really so naive that it believes these unions will be satisfied with their bumper 'honeymoon period' pay rises — plus, of course, guaranteed pensions and retention of so-called Spanish Practices? Next year, if not sooner, they will all be knocking on the door of No11 holding out the begging bowls and demanding more. So beware 'Sir' Keir, your arrogance has been rumbled — and there's only so long that you and your chums can blame everything on '14 years of Tory chaos'. We Brits are not fools (except those who believed Labour's lies) so enjoy your one term in Number 10.

These views are probably classed as one of Yvette Cooper's 'incitement to hatred' diktats. So I'm off to a more democratic country, such as North Korea, before the two-tier (sorry, even-handed) boys in blue come knocking at my door and I'm sentenced by Starmer's 24/7 courts to five years as Angela Rayner's gopher.

Yours etc 

G. RUMBLER,

Penge

STARMERGEDDON IN DOLLIS HILL

My Dear Lord Bingo — Hats off to Express Editor Gary Jones as he ploughs a furrow through the Draconian and anti-British politics of Keir Starmer and the dopey Yvette Cooper, who hasn’t got a clue on how to stop the boats!

As dim Leftie Angela Rayner frantically scours our countryside looking for fields to build houses for Boat People, and Scrooge Chancellor Reeves pinches the short change from pensioner’s purses to pay for their keep, Jones is becoming the Voice of True Brits.

The Express cares about the British and the things that matter to them and it regularly reflects in his headlines and stories.

With our pubs disappearing and the village way of life under threat, along with our customs, statues, books, flags and history, millionaire Starmer wanders around blinkered branding anyone who disagrees with open borders as nasty Right Wing, as he plans to stub out smoking in the garden, donate our taxes to the unions and freeze those irritating pensioners to death.

The workers in the canteen of the Neasden Omnibus Company are muttering into their tea mugs wondering who voted for all this. Their shop steward couldn’t even find it in the small print of what the PM laughingly calls the Labour Manifesto.

And to think, this man brought down a Tory government by accusing Boris of lying over a cake!

TEL BOY 

on his Dollis Hill soapbox in Gladstone Park.

Come on Tel, don’t hold back, tell us what you really think. Gary Jones is a self-confessed Socialist so he obviously doesn’t agree with the bollocks he puts in the Express. Labour have only been in power for a few weeks, give them more time to bugger things up — Ed

DEAD LETTERBOX

Sir — Did you really have to choose that picture of dear Jeffrey Archer to illustrate Alan Frame’s disobliging account of their lunch together? Most prominent of the books on his desk is Pinocchio.

Yrs,

JUSTICE CAUFIELD (decd)

Fragrant Mary Villas,

Grantchester

A BIT TOO CASUAL

Sir — I see the phrase “systemic nonchalance" has entered the language as an accusation of government indifference.

Shurely the perfect description of Lord Drone's Can't Be Arsed Club?

RICK McNEILL

(I was going to respond to this but … — Ed)

ROSIE’S BOYCOTT

My Dear Lord Drone — I applaud the excellent article by my old and dear chum, Dicky Dismore, who speaks out about the awful reign of Rosie Boycott which wasn’t rosy at all, in the days of so-called socialist Chairman Lord Hollick, who was about as socialist as a Faberge egg.

I have my own story about the Great Pretender Boycott. Hollick — the son of a French polisher who seems to have strangely charmed the Kinnocks of our world on his way to a monied peerage — believed Rosie was his petal. As my lawyer told me: “So much for being caring Labour, eh Terry?”

Supper party queen Boycott, in my view, never understood the Express. And she certainly, never looked at the map of the M1 that led to a funny little land where they cook a funny little thing called Haggis. 

When I was editor of the Scottish Daily Express. She never visited or rang me. She didn’t seem to know we existed. Never even invited me to London and in all that time. We were on our own.

I met her twice, once when I stormed into her office before leaving my life-long paper, and years later in a lift in the Press Association where I was judging the Press Awards. Her face went as white as newsprint. Worst lift journey of my life.

I have much to say, but I probably never will. 

TERRY (TEL BOY) MANNERS

(Oh go on, Tel, do tell — Ed)

TARGET MALPRACTICE

Sir — Deputy PM Angela Rayner says that as part of Labour's pledge to build zillions more UK homes 'we must all play our part'. Er, not quite all it would seem, Ange. Mandatory targets in the constituencies of  'Sir' Keir Starmer, David Lammy, Wes Streeting, Liz Kendall and other Cabinet members have been slashed, the most significant and unbelievable of all being in Housing Minister Matthew Pennycook's constituency. Meanwhile, targets in Rishi Sunak and Jeremy Hunt's Tory constituencies have been greatly increased. So that's what Starmer means when he says that Labour is 'all about country not politics'. Could it be that he and his Government are being somewhat economical with the truth? Surely not.  

MANNY FESTO

Uxbridge

RIGHT PISSED OFF

My Dear Lord Drone — No wonder Scrooge is having nightmares again after suggestions in the Drone that he may be behind the recent street protests, as that bullying predator of the aged and infirm, Snatcher Starmer, stumbles blindly through the country’s immigration crisis.

Everything is blamed on the Right Wing in Starmer’s eyes, never mind that pensioners struggle to pay for their Christmas turkeys and are shouting at him on their TV sets at home that they can’t get a dentist or get their bunions taken off. But the boat invaders can … and get a good meal to go with it.

Why is everyone Right Wing if they wave the flag of St George or toast Admiral Nelson’s birthday and not Mandela’s?

Where is Gladstone, Scrooge asks, a good liberal man of the people, who listened to all? Starmer seems unable to scratch beneath the surface of the real problem. How does he know he is not bringing in thugs to replace the ones he locks away?

Violence on the streets is unacceptable but people are sick to death of the invasion of illegal (oops) irregular immigrants leaving sandy footprints in the dining rooms of our four-star hotels … and looking forward to their future council houses and pensions from HM Treasury, paid for in part by Labour’s bonfire of bus passes and heating payments from pensioners.

Scrooge’s ancestors fought at Waterloo to keep the French out, Starmer has put up a white flag to foreign armies of fighting-age men. Wellington is turning in his grave.

Anyone who might not agree with this is categorised as a nasty Right Winger and must be punished. Even some wibbly wobbly, leftie TV presenters and journalists are jumping on his bandwagon which is dividing Blighty.

Starmer talks about the future and then drives a red-hot poker up the backsides of our  Bob Cratchit population.

Yours,

CHARLIE DICKENS, 

Dollis Hill, Neasden. 

ANYONE KNOW PETER EVANS?

I’m a documentary filmmaker and I’m trying to locate the family of the late Peter Evans (worked at the Express in the 60s, passed in 2012) in connection with a film project I am currently developing. He wrote many books, including one on Aristotle Onassis, the official biography of Peter Sellars and a best-selling book on the 60s.

His publishing company Simon & Schuster never answer their phones or emails.

His wife was called Pamela and he had two children called Lisa and Mark.

I know it’s a long shot but he was active up until his death. Any help or leads you might have in tracing the family would be greatly appreciated.

This is my email and my phone number is 07711089313.

Many thanks for your help.

Kind regards

JANICE SUTHERLAND

BAH HUMBUG

Sir — I strongly object to you using an image of me to cover a story about riots and robbery. According to my solicitor you were suggesting that I had organised this chaos. If you had taken the trouble to contact my former business partner Jacob Marley you'd have been aware that I have been Mister Nice Guy for more than 180 years. I look forward to receiving an apology to myself and of course my famous doppelganger Alastair Sim.

Yours sincerely,

EBENEZER SCROOGE

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