Gipsy Rosalie, the Drone’s agony aunt

GIPSY ROSALIE.jpeg

Airhead

Dear Gipsy Rosalie

Following on from Baffled Sixthformer’s reference to Sophie Raworth, are we liking the newsreader’s lustrous, longer, lockdown locks?

Fringe Benefit

Dear FB,

No. 

Serious point

Dear Gipsy Rosalie

I’m confused. During the VE commemorations every time Sophie Raworth and Co referred to the Nazis, I heard my grandad in his wipedown chair muttering: “They were fucking Germans”. He’s asleep now but what did he mean?

Baffled Sixthformer

Dear BS,

Grandads aren’t often right but yours is. The woke media, led by the supine BBC, have been falling over themselves not to appear to be beastly to the Germans in recent years.

I can even recall a risible reference to “the Nazi invasion of Czechoslovakia” which is like saying “the Labour invasion of Iraq”. 

Isn’t it the case that while only 10 percent of Germans were members of the Nazi Party, almost all Nazis were Germans? 

Twitter twit

Dear Gipsy Rosalie,

I used to be an important man and feel that I have still got something to say and should be listened to. However, whenever I sit in my wipedown chair with a packet of choccie Ds by my side and express my views on Twitter or Facebook I am met with a tirade of insults from the so-called Twitteratti who show absolutely no respect. Should I give up?

Keyboard Warrior

Dear KW,

I do sympathise. You sound as if you are too sensitive for the cut and thrust of the Twittersphere. Perhaps you should acknowledge that your future is behind you and stick to self abuse.

Yoga bare

Dear Gipsy Rosalie,

As we are isolating in our flat, my boyfriend and I have started having naked yoga sessions on our balcony. Our versions of Tadasana, Paschimottanasana and Trikonasana are obviously pleasing our neighbours who have taken to coming out on their balconies to applaud us. How we all chuckled when the widow at No.13 shouted: “Go on, gel: give him one for me.” We’re not doing anything wrong, are we?

Susie Sanskrit

Dear SS,

Don’t worry. Yoga is a splendid way to keep fit and the osanas you mention are fine for relative beginners: you are obviously inspiring people around you. I would caution against going too far too quickly, especially on a cool spring evening. In particular I would avoid attempting the Maharashtra version of the Downward Facing Dog or the Kursiasana as practised by Guru Rambleshanks Singh in Lakshadweep. Better to withdraw and go inside.

Fat lady sings

Dear Gipsy Rosalie

Since lockdown started I have put on weight. During a recent Zoom link-up with friends I distinctly heard someone say: ‘You don’t get many of those to the pound.’ I confess I may be eating and drinking too much and not exercising enough and intend to address this. Is there anything else I can do?

Fat Lady

Dear FL,

First of all, please ignore snide remarks from so-called ‘friends’ and don’t beat yourself up over this. Little things can make a difference. Check the shampoo you are using. If the label says ‘For extra body and volume’, avoid it. I myself have started showering with Dawn dishwashing soap. It’s label reads: ‘Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove’

I hope this helps, Fattie.

Kiss and make up

Dear Gipsy Rosalie,

I don’t know about you but I can’t wait for lockdown to end so I can meet up with my friends and maybe get alongside a hunk or two (it’s been so long!). However, I am aware that the virus will still be lurking around and I would welcome some guidance on how to greet people once the two-metre rule has been relaxed.

Goodtime Girl

Dear GG, 

This is a hot topic right now and you’re right to try to clarify things. I guess social hand shaking and double or (continental) triple check kissing will be out for some time. Instead, why not try some Inuit or Maori nose rubbing as long as you don’t inhale. In a more intimate situation I am sure that even the most hygienic and health conscious chap isn’t going to mind being touched up around the nether regions after a few drinks. As for me, although Wimbledon is off I’m still looking forward to a few sets of tonsil tennis. Love all, I say!

What a burqa

Dear Gipsy Rosalie

I am a traditional dairy farmer in Wiltshire and my young wife has started to wear what she calls a hijab when she’s doing farm work, including feeding the cows. She has also begun using Arabic phrases such as as-Salam alaykum and ma sha Allah and has even threatened to wear a burqa to the WI when it starts up again. She says she is “fulfilling her destiny under His sight.” How can I bring her to her senses?

Farmer Giles

Dear FG

Call her bluff. Explain to her that you are diversifying and that you have swapped her for a starter herd of camels. Tell her that by Christmas she’ll be living with a 60-year-old Arab tuk tuk driver, his mother and two sisters and their families in a second-floor flat opposite the Abdul Nasser Mosque in downtown Ramallah. It might not work but it’s worth a try.

Hoppel Poppel? Help

Dear Gipsy Rosalie

My German wife has begun to behave a little oddly under social isolating. She’s started strutting around hitting her thigh boots with a riding crop. While I wouldn’t normally mind this, she has started saying things like: “For you, englischer, der var is over. It’s hoppel poppel for you tonight, my leibling, and you’ll learn to like it. What should I do?

Max Headroom

Dear MH,

Learn to like it. Otherwise, she might threaten you with beamtenstippe, bauernfruhst or bollenfieisch. Mind you, if she mentions Strammer Max, Max, I’d break lockdown and pop out for a takeaway.

Damp barmaids

Dear Gipsy Rosalie

The last time I went to the rugby club my chums put some testosterone in my pint of Cor Blimey and ever since I have been — how can I put this on a family website? — “over trained.” Normally this wouldn’t be a problem but I live alone and am self-isolating. Any thoughts?

Happy Hooker

Dear HH,

My usual advice would be a wipedown with a damp barmaid and a lie-down in a darkened pub but that jumped-up twat Matt Hancock has knocked that on the head. Instead, I prescribe a vigorous socially distanced walk and a cold shower followed by two Matthew Parris columns and an image of Diane Abbott on a motor bike. That should do it.

Missing links

Dear Gipsy Rosalie

I am a keen golfer and before the Coronavirus lockdown I was thinking of playing a round with a new member I met at the club. The restrictions prevented that but now he has suggested sneaking on to the course and trying out a hole or two.

My WhatsApp pals think that would be OK. What do you think?
Golfin’ Granny

Dear GG,

I agree so long as you remember social distancing on the tees, stay a fair way apart on the doglegs and don’t, on any account, handle his balls in the rough if he tries to mark your card.


© 2005-2020 Alastair McIntyre