On the Road

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BY DONINGTON SILVERSTONE

I have been testing the new 3.5 litre Cravat this week. What a baby! Not to put to fine a point on it, I can report that it's a real shit-off-the-shovel* jobby.

I pulled away from the Trumpet offices last night (Chateau Despair as it's known in the trade), gave the blighter a good bit of welly** and I hit the Thames within three seconds.

Called out Johnny AA man, who dried the Cravat out and, after adjusting the winnets***, I was cruising on my way again within a few hours.

Jams at the Polish War Memorial caused me to divert down the B2406 via Apex Corner and the Rose and Crown for a couple of liveners****. A swift blip on the throttle took me north of Henley's Roundabout with 2.3 nano-seconds and before a chap knew where he was one found one's self in the yard at Exeter police station.

A swift bit of talking and a wad of tenners freed me from the rozzers'***** grasp and I was soon bowling down the A14 in the outside lane heading for the Esso petrol station north-west of Amen Corner (map reference TR215 1UMPH).

I did not need any jungle juice****** so, welly down again, I was hurtling through Sheepdag Underpass as dawn broke.

Breakfast time saw me at Gabardine Services on the M86 only three minutes after leaving London. The only mishap was my hat blowing off as I negotiated Gooseleg Pass east of Ben Dover.

Say what you like, you may think me and ass*********, but you'd be hard pushed to do all that in a sedan chair. Except, perhaps the blowing off.*******

*Shit-off-the-shovel: Fast

**Welly: Wellington Boot, originally named for the Duke of Wellington but now refers to the black rubber johnnies******** a chap wears in the garden;

***Winnets: Ask a sheep;

****Livener: an alcoholic drink, aka a sharpener;

*****Rozzer - a police person;

******Jungle juice - petrol, gasolene;

*******Blowing off - something men do.

********Rubber johnny - a contraceptive, prophylactic. In this case it refers to the now archaic upper-class silly-ass*** English habit of calling objects  or people Johnny. As in "rum sort of Johnny". Or "paying one's respects to Johnny God". Or "one of those new-fangled johnnies".

**********Ass in the English sense means idiot, not the bottom or butt. When Englishmen refer to their hind-quarters they call it their bum, or in polite circles their arse. Try it when you next visit an English vicarage tea party.

Hope that clears everything up. Rule Britannia.



© 2005-2019 Alastair McIntyre