A huge rumpus has broken out at the Daily Express led by roly-poly editor Hugh Whittow. Whittow, a huge fan of comestibles of every variety, has been outraged by an email from managing ‘editor’ Andy Taylor. The message reads:
Subject: More good news
Due to Heath and Safety reasons we can no longer use our own kettles.
I know a lot of these kettles are your own property so please make sure you take them home with you or they will be confiscated first thing tomorrow morning.
Sorry and as always any issues or complaints come and bend my ear and get it out of your system
The Drone’s mole on the editorial floor reports: 'There has been a huge row over Kettlegate and the union is now involved. Many kettle-based puns are doing the rounds. It’s all been kicked off apparently because Richard Desmond tripped over a kettle on the floor.
'Funny isn’t it? Freeze pay for five years and everyone mumbles under their breath. Threaten the daily cuppa and it’s all out around the braziers.’
Lord Drone comments: There’s only one thing for it chaps. Piss off to the pub and sod the lot of ‘em.