A WEATHER EYE

Sir — Watching the winter getaway weather forecast on my oak-panelled televisual device yesterday I noted that it was 'raining Canaries'. Was this the (non-pc alert!) yellow peril the West is constantly being warned about? Donning my trusty Old-Etonian tortoiseshell and ivory monocle I saw that it actually read 'rain in Canaries'. Relief all round — Chinese invasion threat not imminent after all. Working people would have gone to Specsavers for an eyesight check-up, but I feel sure your impeccably-attired, public school educated readers would agree that for someone of my standing it would be a shortsighted move.

SIXTUS RIDICULOUS REES-SMUG,

Somerset

FAECING AN ALARMING FUTURE

Sir — I was intrigued by the recent letter A Moving Moment from The New Faeces and was wondering if the writers are by any chance related to the 1960s UK popular beat combo The Faeces. Also, I am having little success obtaining the specific piece of medical technology — featuring the all-important alarm as mentioned. It sounds ideal for my personal needs, not being as fleet of foot as I once was.

I have searched pooingforwrinklies.co.uk and the kiwi site beautbogging.nz.com on the computer at my local library (where I spend a lot of time during the cold weather, as the toilets have heated seats) and scoured Faecesbook as suggested, but to no avail. I even joined the WhatsCrapp messaging app which all the trendy young folk use nowadays. But that was a bum steer as they say, so no luck there either. Enquiring at my local pharmacy, the nice young gel Miranda behind the counter said that eventually they will be able to supply the device — but only the bog standard NHS Mk 2 model without the alarm.

She also warned that there is a two-year waiting list, which is a bit of a crap excuse considering my age. This is obviously very disappointing, and I am hoping The New Faeces can suggest where I might flush out the model they have been test-sitting. Must dash now as I need the bathroom somewhat urgently, and if I don't get along the hall in time... bugger — too late!

DAI RHEA (aged 101),

Loose, Near Maidstone

(That’s enough lavatory gags — Ed)

TIME TO BEAR UP

M'Lud — With recent correspondence being dominated by some sort of pseudonym argy-bargy (yawn) permit me to lighten the Letters columns a little by posing the following. Am I the latest in a long line of Drone readers to notice the rather unfortunate, but geographically amusing, connection between the Chancellor and the good folk she represents in Leeds West and Pudsey? It could well mean this area of Yorkshire is home to most of the country's Children in Need. There is, of course, no suggestion that she is using part of the constituency name to siphon off charity donations to fill yet another of her imagined black holes. But in the light of the UK's current financial woes, our Rach will need to bear up — in more ways than one. Might I humbly suggest that the country deserves an independent Lord Drone-led inquiry.

JEFF BOYLE

An AI-generated name

CLERICAL ERROR

Sir — We write regarding Stercus Accidit's grovelling apology letter More Waffle. His verbal assault on The Drone's mild-mannered Social History Editor, the Rev Terence Frame, was unjustified and totally unnecessary, and he should quite rightly hang his head in shame. But we would implore him not to don a hair shirt and beat himself with birch twigs, or contemplate self-harm. Life's just too short — and as he knows only too well, shit happens! Regarding the demise of Joy Beffle, Mr A will be pleased to know she was given a dignified Roman Catholic send-off, followed by a quiet wake in a tiny Italian restaurant in Muswell Hill's Latin quarter.

CAINE & BAKER,

Counsellors for intimidated clerics

MORE WAFFLE

Sir — I wish to apologise to the Rt Rev Terence Frame of St Bride's — to give him his full title — for any hurt caused by my ill-judged observations about one of his other names on the Drone. Therefore [takes out onion] I offer my heartfelt sympathy and condolences to his family, loved ones, friends, neighbours and members of the wider Neasden bus depot community for their loss of safe space. It is not who I am etc etc.

I also accept that my comments may have breached the Not Being Very Nice provisions of the government's latest Shut the Fuck Up (Amendment) Act, now awaiting Royal Assent.

However, if I may correct the Rt Rev. (Get on with it — Ed) He mentioned Caine and Baker as heroes of the Rorke's Drift battle with the Zulus. Alas, I am unable to confirm their participation, as the last time I was there the chiselled memorial plaque had been covered by layers of silver paint, making it unreadable. The vandal was not caught, but from the description — a white man wearing oversized khaki shorts, woollen socks and open-toed sandals — the blame must lie with one or other UK anti-colonialism activist groups.

Finally, I would like to express my congratulations that, not before time, the fragrant Joy Beffle has been laid. (Laid to rest, shurely? —Ed)

STERCUS ACCIDIT

My real name

14 January 2025

SILLY SAUSAGE

My Dear Lordship — Prosaic? Implausible? Once again we have the stalking native of South Africa playing out his own Bore Wars by throwing verbal spears at your hard-working columnists in this letters column.

Why can't he get over the fact that British heroes Michael Caine and Stanley Baker were awarded VCs at Rorke’s Drift in the Zulu Wars? Or that the only royalty South Africa ever knew was Sausage King Bill O'Hagan.

Groucho Marks impressionist, Mr McNeill (if that is his name), must learn to live with these things. Something is bothering him.

Rule Britannia.

TERRY FRAME

Neasden.

KILLED JOY

M'Lud — So the eagle-eyed 'Nick Mercill' has spotted my alter ego, thus blowing my carefully-constructed cover. A tad inconvenient though, as I was beginning to enjoy my Jekyll and Hyde existence. My good friend Anna Gram was not best pleased to say the least, especially at the news of my 'outing', as Mr Mercill suggests. Guess it's time to swap the dress, long blonde wig and high heels for one of your Lordship's old country tweed suits, brogues and a deerstalker — and kill off Joy forever. For the record, my spies tell me that Helena Handcart is none other than the well-known Irish gambler and socialite Lance Threadnah.

Farewell,

JOY BEFFLE (gone, and thankfully forgotten)

NAME DROPPERS

Sir — Your lordship should not be surprised at the rash of noms de plume on your website. One of your most diligent correspondents, the fragrant Ms Joy Beffle, continues to write under her pseudonym “Jeff Boyle” despite outing herself some time ago.

What of other Drone regulars? Are we seriously expected to believe that the real names of your award-winning (Eh? — Ed) columnists are the prosaic and unoriginal “Terry Manners”, “Richard Dismore” and the even more deeply implausible “Alan Frame”? Pull the other one, squire.

Thank goodness for Helena Handcart, who is clearly proud to be known as herself. 

RICK McNEILL

Not my real name, obviously.

SILLY NAMES GAME

M'Lud — I agree wholeheartedly with your plea for readers to use their real names rather than hiding behind silly pseudonyms. If it's good enough for The Drone's excellent columnists Messrs Dismore, Manners and Frame to write fearlessly as themselves, then it's good enough for me. Could you please send the £200 you promised for this letter in crisp tenners by Wednesday? Don't ask — suffice to say it involves a slow horse and a pissed off bookmaker. If I don't receive the cash by then I'll either have fled to Spain or be part of one of HS2's concrete tunnels.

JEFF BOYLE

Cheque in post, Jeff — Ed

13 January 2025

X-RATED OFFER

Hey blokes — Well that's what you quaint folks on the other side of the pond say isn't it? As the richest man in the universe and owner of social media platform X and the Tesla auto brand I've been too busy to message you until now. 

As the whole world knows, I've been preparing to be anointed President of the good ol' Yooessofay — helped by my buddy The Don (poor people have to call him Mr President Trump). That's in between supporting Germany's AfD leader Alice Weidel, as well as putting the Commie British Government right, with a capital R, on its politics. 

One thing puzzles me. Why does your Prime Minister call his ministers the cabinet? I always thought a cabinet was made of thick steel, had a combination lock, and was where you kept your millions of bucks in loose change. You Brits are weird! 

Anyway, been following your online paper The Daily Drone (does that mean it takes to the air every day?) when I'm not concentrating on landing a man on Mars, and wonder if the $100m I was going to give to Nigel Failurage, who was my friend for about a fortnight, would come in handy. 

If you don't want the cash I can always use it as a down payment to buy Wales, Greenland or the Panama Canal. I may even put in a bid for the Chagos Islands to help you Brits out, but as I lose interest in things pretty quickly I may not bother. After all, why should I worry about US/UK security when I'm so rich the Chinese will stay exactly where I tell them — in their own country, like the Mexicans! 

Stay safe, but not poor, and never give to charity — an invaluable tip my Dad Errol gave me as a kid. That's why I'm where I am today.

Your friend (for now)

NOEL SKUM,

@Noel Skum

11 January 2025

VOTING RIGHTS — OR WRONGS?

Sir — Under current UK law it is illegal to buy cigarettes, tobacco, 

e-cigarettes or e-liquid until you are 18; those under 18 cannot marry without parental consent; and the minimum age to join all branches of the military is 17. All very sensible for good health and mature thinking. But it seems that despite these existing age restrictions and safeguards the Government intends to fulfil its Manifesto promise (surely not?) and follow Scotland and Wales by giving the vote to 16 and 17-year-olds. For those in the armed forces there could well be an argument for lowering the age to 17, because if you are old enough to serve your country then you should be allowed a say in how it is run. But at 16 many youngsters are still at school or college and probably more interested in sport, studying or partying than politics.

This move is just part of planned wider electoral reforms, after the Institute for Public Policy Research (IPPR) called for ID regulations being either watered down or axed altogether before the next General Election. Deputy PM and Communities Secretary Angela Rayner has already confirmed to MPs that she is following up this recommendation (that's a yes, then) saying she would 'look at the requirements around photo ID'. First used in 2023 to prevent voting fraud, critics at the time said it would discriminate against certain groups, such as ethnic minorities and travellers. As for electoral fraud, Rayner claims it is a 'very minor' problem. So that's all right then!

These proposed changes may well be examples of forward-thinking democracy at work. Or, as cynics claim, could they be a blatant case of simply altering the rules to secure more influence and votes, thus tilting the electoral balance in favour of the current administration? Surely not.

GERRY MANDER,

East Cheam

10 January 2025

SEZ WES

M'Lud — Just prior to this recent cold snap, with its warning of zero temperatures, snow and ice, Health Secretary Wes Streeting advised pensioners to 'make sure you wrap up warm,' adding 'and it's definitely a weekend to turn the heating on'. Really? Thank goodness he was on the ball — sharp as a marble. And to think, I was going to open all the windows, and sit around in a T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. But was our hero daydreaming — or possibly Googling NHS on his phone — back in July when his Cabinet colleague Rachel Reeves told the Commons she was axing pensioners' universal winter fuel payments? Had he been paying full attention he just might have spotted that come the winter this would result in thousands of older folk being unable to follow his ill-advised piece of advice.

He surely can't be unaware that thanks to the combination of ever-rising fuel prices and Reeves' announcement, many are unable to afford the luxury of simply 'turning the heating on', despite his protestations that the triple lock makes pensioners better off. Labour MPs — some in Government — have been quite happy to claim over £400,000 of taxpayers' money to heat their own homes (Streeting not being among them) while at the same time patronising voters with hasty, hollow-worded soundbites. Maybe at the end of this year the PM will honour 'Sir' Wes in recognition of services for both stating the obvious and being totally tactless.

JEFF BOYLE

7 January 2025

A BURNING ISSUE

Sir — Ever since Energy Secretary Ed Miliband attempted to play his ukulele in an empty field, most sane people have come to realise that his Net Zero plans are nothing more than a ridiculously expensive vanity project. His and the PM's pledge for the UK to lead the world by eliminating all zero carbon emissions by 2050 - probably impoverishing the country along the way - will be in tatters if the Government goes ahead with plans to add a further 40 waste incinerators to the 50 or so already operating. Hopefully Mad Ed will then be taken away by the men in white coats and sedated for the remainder of this Parliament. 

Designed to burn an annual 500,000 tonnes of household and commercial rubbish, the practice has been called the UK's dirtiest form of power. Scientists have warned that incinerators are a 'disaster for the climate', and it has been found that burning waste (think disposable nappies, pet waste, plastic bags and cement sacks) produces the same amount of greenhouse gases for each unit of energy as, er, coal power, which Miliband killed off last September. Good move there Ed!

To add fuel to the fire, so to speak, the campaign group UK Without Incineration Network (UKWIN) claims that 'for every tonne of plastic incinerated, more that two tonnes of carbon dioxide are being released', which makes a total farce of Labour's net zero agenda. Although official figures show that energy from waste plants now provides about three per cent of the UK's generation capacity (no bragging from the Government about that) it still looks suspiciously like a case of 'greenwashing' the claimed benefits of incinerators, which not only hampers recycling but also releases the very greenhouse gases and health dangers Miliband says he is going to eradicate - with our cash. 

I'm no Save the Planet fanatic, but clean energy is exactly what it says on the tin. Even Miliband must see that in no way does waste incineration fit that description. But, perhaps I am being unfair and this is a devilish cunning way to deliver that much-promised £300 savings on our bills. Only one man can answer that, the Rt Hon Member for Doncaster North. Over to you Ed.

MILLY PEDE (a confused pensioner),

Runcorn

6 January 2025

BARMY ARMY

Dear Lord Drone —With the Government's constant dilly-dallying over the defence budget the MoD is being forced to make drastic cuts, meaning we squaddies have been told to make sacrifices. In other words 'shut up and suffer'. A battalion, for instance, traditionally comprises up to 1,000 soldiers. But under Labour this has been reduced to 300. We have to share unloaded rifles, shouting 'BANG!' on manoeuvres, and when on parade we are only permitted to come to attention, stand at ease, present and slope arms on a strictly daily alphabetical surname basis:  A-M Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, N-Z Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. 

As if this were not enough we now have to share beds (which is all right for some if you know what I mean) and go without lunch on alternate days because the NAAFI staff are on reduced hours. Tanks, armoured vehicles and medals are being flogged off on Ebay, and old uniforms are not being replaced. Me and my oppos are near to breaking point with two of our platoon going AWOL after Christmas and the sick bay fast filling up with anxiety-related cases. 

Knowing your millions of readers to be great supporters of the military I am appealing for your excellent organ to start a campaign for the defence budget to be increased immediately to at least 3% of GDP, as well as contacting Defence Secretary John Healey direct. Without your intervention I fear this country's military will be in deep doo-doo and become the laughing stock of the world.

Your obedient servant, Sir!

PRIVATE PARTS,

Catterick

4 January 2025

OFF-SONG MESSAGE

M’Lud — Just one day after being honoured with a knighthood, London mayor 'Sir' Sadiq Khan seemed determined to unnecessarily politicise the capital's New Year's Eve fireworks display. He has come under fire for including the songs 'Why Does It Always Rain on Me' and 'Things Can Only Get Better' in the celebrations. Critics allege that this was a not-so-hidden message (or piss-take if you prefer) about former PM Rishi Sunak's umbrella-less 2024 election announcement in the pouring rain, to the loud accompaniment by an ant-Brexit activist of Tony Blair's 1997 election anthem — plus, a celebration of last July's Starmer 'landslide'. 

The crowds paid to watch fireworks and see in 2025, not to be preached at by this dictatorial incumbent of City Hall. Khan said he was 'truly humbled' to be knighted, and it was 'the honour of my life to serve the city I love'. As a plain Mr, might I suggest he practises some of that humility and honour, and makes a New Year resolution to cease the constant, unwanted peddling of his brand of Left-wing idealism, call a halt to unwanted vanity projects, and actually get down to the mundane but important business of tackling London's housing crisis and growing crimewave. Actions, as they say, speak louder than words.

JEFF BOYLE

A MOVING MOMENT

Sir — Radio 4 obsessed for hours this week about the centenary of the Shipping Forecast. So tedious, so detailed, it gave you a pain in the North Utsire.  But it reminded me of a medical breakthrough I share with my wife, Quarantine. One of those commendable NHS pioneers selected us to test run a device which warns you, in good time, of an impending bowel movement, aptly entitled The Shitting Forecast. An internal alarm goes off when you are within 15 minutes of needing to go, giving you time to reach the appropriate ablutions. There’s a shared experience website, Faecesbook, to compare notes with others and to guard against failure, if Rockall happens, you can take out turd party insurance. 

Crappy New Year,

THE NEW FAECES

(Silly arse — Ed)

1 January 2025

TAKING THE ARISE

Sir — Perusing the New Year Honours list, many recipients across all fields have quite rightly been awarded gongs. But three of the PM's knighthood choices seem to be rewards for failure inasmuch that they have done practically little or nothing to deserve this high honour. Quite frankly it makes a mockery of the awards system which should be reserved for real achievement.

First, and most controversially, is our old friend London mayor Sadiq Khan, who over his three terms in office has overseen knife and violent crime in the capital spiral, declared war on motorists with his idealogical ULEZ cash-grab, and spent millions renaming Overground lines with history and culture-friendly names. And who can forget his charming — racist even — message that 'white families don't represent real Londoners'?

Equally puzzling is former England football manager Gareth Southgate, a likeable enough chap and, some would argue, England's most successful manager. But a knighthood? Surely not. In his eight years in the job he somehow managed to get our lacklustre men's squad to two successive Euros finals and a World Cup semi-final, but failed to win a single trophy. David Beckham must be really pissed off.

Beleaguered rail travellers everywhere will also be scratching their heads over the inclusion of the boss of Network Rail, Andrew Haines no less —currently overseeing the transition to Great British Railways. His addition to this once exclusive club is despite the fact that over recent years the UK rail network has faced a miserable catalogue of cancellations, delays and safety failures. 

There are those who may well say cronyism has played a big part (when hasn't it?) regarding this trio. But could there be another reason, such as the PM's shared loves of Labour ideology, our beautiful game, and re-nationalisation? I think Buck House should be informed before the King removes his sword from its scabbard and gets a-dubbing.

N. VIOUS-B'STARD (still waiting)

31 December 2024

A TALE OF TWO SIR NAMES

M'Lud — Discussing the state of UK politics with a couple of old chums over the festive season (admittedly after a few sweet sherries) the subject of our PM came up. Chum number one said his family had taken to calling him 'Drill Bit'. I asked if the reason was because he was the son of a toolmaker. 'No,' came the reply. 'It's because he's a boring little tool.' 

Not to be outdone, my other companion — no fan of the PC or trans lobbies — said he had dubbed Starmer 'A Bit of Skirt'. 'Anything to do with women having penises?' I ventured. 'Wrong again,' he laughed. 'It's because he'd rather be a broad, geddit?' I did, and felt that rather than the usual 'Two-tier Keir', 'Farmer Harmer' etc these gems deserved to be shared with other Drone readers, who probably have their own nicknames for 'Sir'. Might I humbly suggest a Name that Knight competition?

Respectfully yours,

TOBY THYME,

The Mucky Duck EC4

27th December 2024

SAD SIGN OF THE TIMES

Sir — Now it's official — the lunatics really are running the asylum. A convicted terrorist is suing one pub and threatening at least two others with legal action as he finds the depiction of an Arab or Turk on their signs, er,  'offensive and liable to incite violence'. Oh dear, poor fellow —apologies all round! Maybe he would be happier if they were all renamed The Jolly Jihadi. How long before the very thought of Saracens Rugby Club, established 1876, makes him so anxious that he will suffer sleepless nights?

And in another attempt to rewrite our history, so-called 'activist' councils are renaming streets, squares and buildings with 'links to slavery and the Empire', without allowing residents the right of veto. Black Boy Lane in the London borough of Haringey, for instance, has been given the insipid monicker La Rose Lane. How long before this undemocratic practice spreads further afield and is applied in non-activist council areas such as East Sussex, where the town of Blackboys, founded in the 14th Century, could in future be known as the catchy Ethnicminoritypersons? Perhaps those who live there should be warned.

 COL. BARKING-MADLY (retd),

Ashdown House,

East Sussex

26th December 2024

SCOTCH MISSED

Sir — I refer to the letter from MacDuff of Killiecrankie, who invites Drone readers to consider who might be in the next Shadow Cabinet, led he suggests, by Nigel Farage (AKA Trump). An interesting line-up which is either wishful thinking or mere fantasy on his part. Without wishing to cause offence to this well-meaning Scot, I fear he has missed the point made in G.E.Petto's letter. I very much doubt that even the oddball team Mr MacDuff outlines could deflect sufficient attention from the shortcomings of our hapless PM. I'm sorry, but I'm with Mr Petto on this one. His Pinocchio analogy is spot on. 

A. SASSENACH

FARAGE’S SHADOWS

Your Lordship, instead of imagining growth of the PM's nose, Drone readers might find it more interesting to consider who might surround the next Leader of the Opposition, the Rt Hon Nigel Farage, in his Shadow Cabinet — apart, that is, from the pre-appointed Sir Elon Musk, Dame Priti Patel, Lady Truss and the big lanky bloke who is, to use Highland idiom, a total wally. 

Your obedient servant

MACDUFF of KILLIECRANKIE

Gulp! — Ed

24th December 2024

THE NOSE HAVE IT

Sir — Have other Drone readers noticed that whenever 'Sir' Keir Stalin addresses the Commons from the despatch box during PMQs his nose appears to grow, Pinocchio-style? This could bear out the far-Right rumour that he is just a wooden puppet on trade union strings telling porkies. Just asking.

G.E.PETTO

Not so far — Ed

JINGLE BOLLOCKS

G’day — The birthday of Christine, my wife, is December 24 and when living in London we celebrated the day at Chanterelle, South Kensington with like-minded drunks. It was there, about 40 years ago, that Jingle Bollocks was first added to the English lexicon. Arriving under the weather and covered in snow, renowned (piss) artist Iain Pyper loudly laced every sentence with `bollocks’.

When it was politely suggested that neighbouring diners might be offended he shouted: “All right then, jingle bollocks.”

The phrase hasn’t become common parlance, but now dictionary compilers come up with a `word of the year’ in a desperate attempt to sell more books, I believe Jingle Bollocks deserves appreciation.

Its definition is, of course, `everything even vaguely connected to the Christmas festive season.’

VICTOR WATERS

University of Gazunda, WA

21 December 2024

BUILDING BLOCKHEADS

Sir — Deputy PM Angela Rayner has boasted that she intends to ride roughshod over democratically elected local councils and ignore the opinion of local people — sorry, NIMBYS or 'blockers' — by 'bulldozing the green belt' so the Government can build its intended 1.5 million homes during this Parliament (dream on, Ange!). If this rural-hating administration would just look beyond its collective idealogical nose it would realise the impracticalities of this ill thought out diktat.

Nobody can deny that this country needs more affordable housing. But statistics show there is more than sufficient space in and around our major cities to take all the Government's intended new-builds. And unlike rural areas the necessary infrastructure, such as schools, GP surgeries, hospitals and reliable transport, already exists.

In her desperate dash to fulfil at least one of Labour's Manifesto pledges, Ms Rayner is choosing to ignore the fact that building in totally unsuitable places will alter the very fabric and fine balance of our countryside. It doesn't take a brain of Britain or a housing expert to realise the Green Belt and fields act as natural soakaways during heavy rainfall. If new garden towns and vast housing estates, with their attendant Tarmac roads, concrete hard standing, terracing etc are built on this land it will almost certainly mean flooding, such as we have seen recently, in many more places throughout the UK.

Building on huge swathes of the countryside is also a huge drawback regarding traffic flow. With most rural public transport links practically non-existent, residents will use their cars. Result? Gridlock, at least twice a day, on sometimes narrow A roads that were never intended to carry such large volumes of traffic.

This assault on the Green Belt — conveniently reassigned Grey Belt — also opens up a whole new can of worms (no pun intended) such as the building of prisons and data centres, plus the march of Mad Ed Miliband's precious solar farms, wind turbines and pylons, all of which need vast amounts of concrete for their foundations.

So when areas that have never been flooded previously do just that, and petrol and diesel fumes from vehicles sitting in five-mile traffic jams pollute the atmosphere (not all cars are EVs) spare me the whinings of the Just Stop Oil lobby telling us it's all down to climate change. No, it will be the direct result of concreting over our countryside. The protests must be aimed at those responsible —‘Sir' Keir Stalin and his Deputy. But strangely enough, I'm not holding my breath.

JEFF BOYLE

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