Jokes

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days: "When I were a lad, me Mum would send me down t'corner store wi' a 10 bob note and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now. Too many security cameras."

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The diminutive songwriter Frank Loesser was a lifelong carousing bachelor until he fell for a Broadway Showgirl when he was in his fifties. His new wife insisted that he abandon his old ways and cut his former drinking pals out of his life. She would even prevent them from speaking to him. Groucho Marx, on being turned away yet again, dubbed her... The evil of two Loessers.

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A US army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men; the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
'We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
'I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who'd got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying one-eyed porridge wog and Lord Mandelson is a pillow biting gay bastard!
'So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet faced lesbian.
'He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a fucking bus hit us.'

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Tommy Cooper gag: A man goes to the doctor and says (raising his right arm): 'It hurts when I do this.'

Doctor: 'Don't do it then.'

Yorkshire joke:

Yorkshireman in a jeweller's shop: Ay-oop lad! Can y'  mak a gold statue o' me dog?

Jeweller: Eighteen carats?

Yorkshireman: Nay. Chewin' bones.

A correspondent writes: There is a play on words here. "Eighteen carats" is apparently the way a Yorkshireman would say "Eating carrots". I thought an explanation advisable, otherwise the risible nature of the exchange might not be fully appreciated.  Additionally, the term "ay-oop" indicates that the man with the dog is a true native of that large northern county.

Know any rotten jokes? Contact jokes@dailydrone.co.uk

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